Quinn

September 2004
It was the end of summer and I was 16, almost 17 weeks pregnant. I was finally feeling better. Morning sickness was leaving and I was finally getting used to the idea of having 2 children under two. The day Quinn died was like any other. Theta was going to preschool and I was getting into the swing of getting her ready everyday. Life was busy. Theta was busy. In addition to school, she was taking a gymnastics class. We were getting ready. I needed to use the toilet before leaving, damn pregancy body. I suppose I did a little bit more pushing than was needed, because I felt something come out. And not something that should be coming out, my gross reader. Bear in mind it shocked me. I mean I was not expecting to be my amniotic sac. But when I felt it come out I knew that it was what it was. So logically I pushed it back in. Hell, what was supposed to do? I had a 4 year old and 9 month old waiting for me outside the door and no other adult in the house. I left the bathroom and went immediatly to the phone. I phoned the doctor's and they told me to come in. Ok, now I needed someone to watch the girls. Called my mother-in-law and told her something was really wrong. I can't believe that I was so calm. I guess I did not want to freak out the girls. She came over I left and drove to the doctor's office. All the while I tried to keep my ass tilted so the bag would not fall out again. I go to the office and check in an preceed to wait for AWHILE! What! Hello, my placenta is coming out!!! My husband shows up, I guess my mother-in-law called him. Finally, I am called in. Dr.DiGiovanni examines me. And I never will forget the it when he told me that I was going to lose the baby. I guess I sort of knew it. But to hear it was something differnent. I feelt the life drain from me. This could not be happening. I was almost 17 weeks. Stuff like this happens early in preganacy. They sent me to the hospital, a nurse drove me my husband followed, I guess in case something happened on the way. At the hospital they asked me if I wanted to speed things up. I guess I still was in shock because I felt like that would be killing my baby, I wanted to hope for the best. So they put me in the Trendelemburg (not sure of the spelling) position, where your head is lowered and your feet are in the air. I waited, hoping this was just a big mistake. In the middle of the night I started to feel pain and my water broke. I really don't remember much. I was very drugged up. I made me think of how women experienced birth under twilight sleep. My memories are vague. I remember being told to push and then blacking out. When I awoke I was in a diffenent place. Apparently my placenta would not come out (really it is made to say in the body a lot longer) and I needed a D&C. When they brought me back to my room my husband and baby were waiting. I had given birth to a girl.

Did I want to see her? Would I be repulsed by my own flesh and blood? I asked the nurse, How did she look? The nurse assured me she was perfect, just small and her skin was transparent. I held her. She weighed nothing. I opened the blankets. She was perfect. Her limbs were scrawny. She had all her fingers and toes. Her eyes were closed. She looked like an angel. The only thing was that her skin was so thin she looked purplish, since her veins were visible and she was dead. I still loved her regardless. I did bother me that she was wrapped in a rough hospital towel. One that I assume was used to wipe way human waste. I asked the nurse for a proper blanket. I tenderly wrapped her in it and sung to her a song that I sang to my older girls, Baby Mine. It has been a year and a half since I lost her, yet these memories are fresh in my head. I hope to never forget.

We named her Quinn. It was the only name we had. We were just not prepared to me her yet.

Wake me up when September ends...

September
September is a month that I have very mixed feelings about. My youngest and last child was born in this month. So it offers one redeeming point. It will also be the most heartbreaking month that I will ever have. It is in September that I lost two of my girls.

The beginning

Well, I am starting a blog. I guess I don't know what I want to accomplish. Maybe, to share a bit of the maddness that is my life. To try to put into words that stuff that is/has happened to me. To remember it in the future. To remember the Eleanor and Quinn. To have them remebered by others.